Squeaky Brum time

Roses are red, tulips are pink, Chelsea feel blue, AVB’s on the brink.

Mrs Villas-Boas would have needed a big box of Valentine’s Day chocolates to put a smile back on hubby’s face after the weekend’s lacklustre defeat at Everton.

There was certainly no love lost between AVB and the fans at Goodison Park, with decisions to sub Michael Essien and Juan Mata met with howls of “You don’t know what you’re doing!”

A phrase I’ve heard on more than one occasion – but we won’t go into that now.

The loss saw Arsenal replace the Blues in the fourth Champions League slot (and let’s face it, the Gunners won’t qualify by winning the thing), with reports suggesting Roman Abramovich’s trigger finger is getting itchier by the second.

“Poor old Fernando – if he was walking through a field full of cows carrying a giant banjo, he couldn’t hit one on the backside if his life depended on it.”

The last time Everton beat Chelsea by two clear goals, Oasis had just gone to number one with All Around The World, which is exactly where Villas-Boas could be heading shortly.

I jokingly suggested a few weeks ago AVB stood for ‘A Voyage Beckons’, but unless there’s a significant improvement in the next few weeks, the Portuguese could be packing his bags, particularly after a handyman was spotted earlier this week oiling the revolving door at Stamford Bridge.

Chelsea have two realistic chances of winning a trophy this season and their fate – along with the manager’s – could be decided in the next four days.

On Tuesday they travel to Napoli for the first leg of their Champions League last 16 match, but before that it’s an FA Cup fifth round clash with in-form Birmingham. Squeaky Brum time indeed.

In fairness to the manager, Chelsea’s players have got to take some responsibility for their indifferent season, with the enigma wrapped in a conundrum that is Fernando Torres top of the list.

The cold hard stats show that the £50m hitman has got five goals in 46 games since his transfer from Liverpool and none in his last 19.

Poor old Fernando – if he was walking through a field full of cows carrying a giant banjo, he couldn’t hit one on the backside if his life depended on it.

If Chelsea fans are expecting Didier Drogba to ride to the rescue on his white charger after leading Ivory Coast to an agonising Africa Cup of Nations final defeat, they have to hope the club can keep him out of China’s hands.

Shanghia Shenhua are ready to offer the 33-year-old a two-year deal if Chelsea don’t match his demands and if I were Abramovich I’d find a few million roubles down the back of the sofa to keep the Drog sweet.

Nevertheless, one has to put Chelsea’s woes into perspective. Fulham, QPR and Brentford wouldn’t say no to fifth spot in the Premier League right now.

The graph since Martin Jol took charge at Craven Cottage looks like the profile of the Loch Ness Monster, but things took a turn for the better at the weekend as new boy Pavel Pogrebnyak (I’m glad I’m writing that and not pronouncing it) sent them on their way to victory against Stoke.

Bobby Zamora’s replacement scored the opener and looked a handful throughout as Fulham put more distance between themselves and the drop zone.

There's no fooling this guy.

Apparently the Russian striker consulted compatriots Diniyar Bilyaletdinov and Roman Pavlyuchenko before making the move to the Premier League and Abramovich might just be wishing he’d been in on the discussions if his countryman carries on like this.

Jol was understandably pleased with is new recruit but categorically stated: “He’s not the brother of Pele.”

You have to get up early in the morning to catch the Dutchman out.

Jol’s predecessor Mark Hughes endeared himself to his players at QPR – but not their other halves – when he booked a Valentine’s break in the romantic Algarve.

Rangers jetted out for some warm weather training on February 14, which did not sit well with Georgia McNeil – aka Mrs Joey Barton – who for once out-tweeted her other half by writing: “Dear Mr Hughes, I’d like to have my partner in the country for Valentine’s next year please.”

It’s touch and go whether QPR will survive this season, particularly after the latest setback at Blackburn, and the current malaise was summed up nicely by ‘Ferdy’ on the Loft For Words messageboard, who wrote:

“Isn’t the world supposed to end later this year? Wouldn’t it just be our luck to survive for another season in the Premier League before some (rotter) blows the earth into oblivion? Typical.”

Brentford finally got to play a game after two postponements because of the weather and wished they hadn’t bothered after throwing away a lead to lose to two late goals at Colchester, with the only highlight on the Griffin Park Grapevine forum “making the 10.03 train with no problems”.

And finally, I was in a Hammersmith pub the other night (that’s the west London connection) watching the AC Milan-Arsenal game on a TV with subtitles.

When the second goal went I was amazed to see the caption ‘Robinho scores with improvised haddock’.

It could have been worse – at least he didn’t use the Hand of Cod.

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